Reflections of My Love
by ohhthegreatestblinkinglight
Summary: Antonio is left alone. Left alone to rot in an Asylum after Lovino's death. His anguish is great. His pain unbearable... until he sees Lovino in a fleeting reflection. It might be the salvation that he so desired.
1. Chapter 1

Based on this fic: s/8932317/1/His-Unbelievable-Pain-Spamano-One-shot 

* * *

Antonio sat with a wistful, empty look flittering across his features. He stared at the blank wall across from him as he rocked himself gently back and forth, his thoughts in disarray.

They told him it's been a month.

_A month since Lovino's suicide. _

Less than a month since his admission into this mental asylum.

And yet, he felt as though a day hasn't passed. For time was irrelevant when one couldn't see the changing of the skies.

He sat quietly, busy contemplating many things. One had so much time when one is locked away from society.

His thoughts flashed behind his eyes. Things of unimportance like whether he had fed his cat Gatito to things of magnifying importance….. like Lovino.

He sighed quietly. Oh Lovino.

Antonio felt the dull ache in his heart again and in response he curled himself inward into a fetal position. He stayed, curled like that till dinner which he once again refused.

_If Lovino couldn't eat, why should he?_

* * *

Today, they (the so-called doctors) decided that Antonio could have some more freedom.

They said that since Antonio was behaving himself, he was allowed to have things in his room. They brought in a mirror for him and set it up on the Western side of the room.

Antonio first eyed the new object warily but finally built enough courage to look at himself. He wasn't surprised to see his outer being reflecting his inner.

His face looked gaunt as though he hadn't been eating properly. His eyes had dark shadows of regret under them and his expression appeared permanently twisted into a hopeless child of a frown and a scowl.

But the thing that struck Antonio the most was his eyes.

His eyes had changed dramatically from its cheerful forest green to a slightly darker bottle-green. The irises seemed to be damaged with many facades of shadows that sucked away the light that had once glowed in their depths.

Sighing, he turned away from his sorrowful other self.

Maybe his reflection will change tomorrow.

* * *

Antonio found his eyes being drawn to the mirror throughout the days. His eyes would subtly slide over until his entire attention was focused onto the simple body length mirror.

It was nothing great really. It was a cheap mirror made of reflective plastic that couldn't have costed more than a few dollars. But Antonio craved the change it brought. If he had been his old self, he probably would have made stupid and ridiculous faces and fallen over from laughter.

But now, much more solemn, Antonio could only stare at his reflection and wonder if things could have been different.

One day, Antonio believed it must have been spring as he could smell the heady humidity of outside air coming from a crack in the wall, Antonio found himself staring into the mirror once more.

_But today was special. It was different._

For Antonio saw not his own reflection, but he saw Lovino. (No, please, he knows this sound crazy but do not shake off his experience so easily as insanity.)

Antonio saw Lovino in the bright, shimmering plastic that glowed with the light of the fluorescent overhang. He saw Lovino smiling in the mirror and in return he smiled too.

It was his first smile since the incident.

His eyes were held firm to Lovino's pale translucent figure that talked with an unknown someone, walked, and furrowed his brows in that cute expression of his.

It felt as though Antonio was looking inward at different world. The mirror was his portal and by God was Antonio thankful for this.

He didn't care that he spent every moment watching his love, well his unrequited love, live his life. Not in his reality, but somewhere else…. Lovino was happy and alive.

_He became both Echo and Narcissus. Lovino became his beloved, unattainable reflection. _

* * *

Soon after, when he felt emboldened enough, Antonio would reach out a hand to try to touch Lovino. To reach past the reflective surface that separated them and feel his lover's soft skin. But every time his fingertips skimmed the plastic, he withdrew his hand as though he'd been burned…. Because Antonio realized that he had no right to long for Lovino.. he had no right to try and touch Lovino.

He was cruel to Lovino. Unimaginably so that his divine punishment was to take away the very thing he longed to hold close the most.

Yes, Antonio was being punished by Providence. In this white room, he must atone for his sins alone.

He should have prayed saying grace for the mirror that provided a small comfort and hope, but Antonio felt as though that too... he had no real right to thank the Divine one.

* * *

The day he finally touched the Lovino in the mirror was the day that Antonio cried out Lovino's name in his usual anguish. And Lovino heard him this time. His beautiful hazel eyes glanced straight at Antonio as he looked at him quizzically," Antonio?"

Antonio's breath caught in his throat.

No longer able to restrain himself, not when Lovino looked at him like that and acknowledged him with his sweet voice, Antonio leapt forward into the mirror and latched his arms around Lovino. He then pulled Lovino out with a heave back and became surprised when the mirror gave no greater resistance than water.

Lovino came tumbling out of the mirror like an exotic fish that had been fished out of the deep, untouchable oceans. His hazel eyes blinked in surprised before his expression changed to its customary sullen one.

Antonio couldn't be gladder to see Lovino's scowl.

"Where the f*ck am I, Antonio."

Antonio didn't answer. Instead, he looked at Lovino, stared quite intensely at him, before lunging forward and wrapping his arms around Lovino's waist. He felt tears start to collect at the corner of his eyes as he held Lovino close and murmured a thousand choked apologizes," I'm so sorry… Please don't leave me again… I'm sorry… I'm sorry. Please… Lovino… forgive me…. Lo siento… "

Lovino was still very confused by Antonio's action. It was abnormal for the man to apologize to him directly. But despite his confusion and hesitation, he embraced back and gently cooed over the distressed man," …. You idiot. Don't I always forgive you?"

* * *

**Ahahaha... yeah... I don't know... Welp, Please Review and stick around for Part 2. **


	2. Chapter 2

Recommended Listening and or watching: watch?v=hm983BGesLY

* * *

It felt like a marvelous dream. A grotesque, hope filled dream that only Antonio's mind could have created in its despair.

He wondered why he didn't question the validity of Lovino's existence in his arms. But by God, it felt wonderful.

Lovino was smiling at him. Lovino forgave Antonio's unforgivable transgressions.

Lovino, Lovino, Lovino was here. Oh Dios, that felt fantastic even to think about. But it was real. It was happening and the only proof Antonio had of Lovino's existence was the warm mass held tight in his arms and the stubborn curl of hair that tickled his nose. A soft scent of cinnamon and herbs drifted up to Antonio's nose and with a deep breath, Antonio felt he was breathing in his first breath of fresh air in years.

Antonio swayed slightly as he leaned down to nuzzle Lovino's cheeks," …. Mi amor, you don't understand how much I've missed you…"

Lovino, who had been content with swaying with Antonio and whispering sweet words of comfort, suddenly froze and disentangled himself from their sweet embrace.

"…. I missed you too, Antonio," Lovino didn't know what else to say.

_For Lovino knew Antonio well. He knew his Antonio well and he knew that this Antonio would be just like the idiot waiting for him back home._

So he knew and understood that Antonio would rather cocoon himself in this false sense of security than face the truth.

So Lovino allowed himself to lie. A small lie but he knew it meant the entire world to this Antonio who was so broken and lost. Like a child who had been abandoned in the depths of the eerie, brutal jungle without a friend or a kind soul, Antonio was lost in this white, padded room.

He physically ached in his chest, seeing Antonio (no not his Antonio) like this. 

Lovino smiled with pained eyes and leapt into Antonio's arms to embrace him again. He couldn't help but wonder what happened to this world's Lovino to cause Antonio to be in such a state.

As Lovino nuzzled the crook of Antonio's neck and the Spaniard's arms wrapped securely around Lovino's waist, Antonio smiled and murmured," We fit together. Like two missing puzzle pieces that had been lost."

They lost the night to each other's presence.

* * *

The next morning, the doctors were surprised to find Lovino breathing evenly and curled against Antonio's side.

Antonio simply shot the doctors a wide, cheerful (but warning) smile and wrapped his arms protectively around the sleeping Lovino.

Later, as he held Lovino's hand tightly, Antonio was more than happy to answer their questions and was later pronounced to be mentally stable once more.

The duo soon packed Antonio's few belongings and promptly left the dispirited, violent, hopeless Psychiatric Ward.

* * *

It took some time for Antonio to adjust to the outside world. He had found a job working at a small café, and Lovino had decided to stay at home as he wasn't supposed to exist anymore.

They moved into Antonio's old apartment. But before Lovino could even step foot in the house, Antonio had gotten rid of all large mirrors, anything that Lovino could fit through was ruled out.

Antonio was not going to take any chances…. Not when he lost Lovino once.

Lovino simply accepted the mirror less home without a protest. He reached down to gently grasp Antonio's larger, calloused hand and instead whispered," I'm here… Don't worry."  
They spent a few happy months together.

A routine was soon established. Antonio would sleep in bed with Lovino where he'd spend at least an hour whispering sweet words of love and giving tender embraces to a drowsy Lovino who accepted Antonio's affections with flustered, red cheeks. Antonio then left for work around noon, after eating lunch with Lovino, and Lovino was left to do what he wished. Then, they would meet for dinner and Antonio would cook for both of them. After which, they spend a great deal of time cuddling and having hot and slow sex accompanied, by loud moans and the sound of skin against skin.

But Lovino was starting to get restless. Even if Antonio couldn't see the glaring truth, he could.

Lovino didn't belong in this world.

* * *

It was around the start of summer when the traveling carnival came to their town.

Its ruckus was loud and one could smell whiffs of hot, melted sugar within a mile radius. No sane man would have been intrigued or entertained by this small, dirty, money grubbing festival on wheels.

But Antonio was eager to go. He had begged Lovino, pleaded the man with his big, green eyes, and Lovino relented.

Once at the carnival, Antonio was running like a child in a candy factory. He saw wonderment and joy in everything there. He was excited beyond belief at the large metal rides, he laughed raucously at the silly clowns that bumbled about and Lovino swore his heart skipped a beat when Antonio turned around to flash him an innocent, blissful smile.

" Isn't this great, Lovino!"

" It sure is, Antonio." Lovino answered with a soft smile of his own.

Antonio's smile grew wider at Lovino's answer. His hand reached down to softly grasp Lovino's and he leaned down to place a long kiss upon Lovino's lips. He murmured into the kiss," You're great, Lovino."

Lovino blushed at the compliment but his pleasure was short-lived as he spotted his rabbit hole out.

He gasped (in relief?) as he saw a house of mirrors just a few paces away. He couldn't stop his feet from running forward as his hand slipped out of Antonio's loving grasp.

And Antonio who had been in a blissful, dreamy state suddenly felt a chilling dread as he saw Lovino dart away from him into the innocuous mirror fun house.

* * *

"Lovino! Lovino! Por favor, Lovino stop! " Antonio shouted as he chased Lovino into the funhouse. His heart was pounding in fear in his chest and his head darted about, trying to find Lovino amiss the foggy reflective walls that closed upon him like fearsome creatures. The dimly lit atmosphere didn't aid Antonio's search as the Spaniard ran with desperation lightening his steps. He darted through the maze as he cursed his every reflection that bounced about the walls. Any one of them could have taken Lovino away!

There!

Antonio skidded to a stop at the center of the maze as his eyes fell upon Lovino sitting on the concrete floor with one hand stretched outward to a particularly large mirror.

"Lovino! Stop!"

Lovino's hand froze. He turned back to glance sadly at Antonio who panted for breath," ….. Antonio. I'm sorry."

"No, no, no! Lovino stay! Stay with me!" Antonio cried out in anguish as he tried to reach and hold on to Lovino. Lovino please don't go, I love you, please.

Lovino stood and allowed himself to run into Antonio's arms one last time and sink into his embrace," …I can't… you're waiting for me on the other side."

Antonio shook his head and tightened his hold on Lovino as he felt tears swell up," I don't care." Yes, Antonio was selfish. He didn't care for the other Antonio who got to keep Lovino.

"Why! It's not fair! He gets to keep you while I keep losing you, Lovino!" Antonio lamented as he felt hot tears overflow from his eyes.

Seeing the droplets of tears dripping down Antonio's face, Lovino reached up to wipe them away with a kind scowl. " Idiot, You're such a crybaby… I shouldn't be here in the first place," he spoke as he slowly pulled away from Antonio to stand in front of the mirrors that surrounded them.

Antonio feebly begged as his hands reached out to Lovino's slowly disappearing figure," …. Lovi…. I love you. "

" I love you, too," Lovino answered as he took a step backward and fell into the mirror.

Antonio was left to watch his reflection once more alone with silent tears sliding down his cheeks. And he couldn't help but wonder whether Lovino's 'I love you's were meant for him…. or for the Antonio in Lovino's world.

* * *

**Haha, part 2 finally done.**

**Wow, I still feel like my writing skills is lacking. **

**Damn. Well, better practice some more.~**

** BUT WHY CAN'T I STOP WRITING ANGST! IT's a curse!**

**Please Review~~~~~~~~~~~~~**


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